You have a loooong to-do list. You have others to attend to. You have projects on the burners. You are busy, you juggle, you push to the limit to get to it all.You might be sleep deprived. Sometimes you might forget to eat, even though you generally go for nutritious and clean food. Heck, you might even try to stick to an exercise routine. At the end of the day everything else but you comes first… You are in the throes of demands and might feel like you are running out of steam, pulling your hair out, screaming at the top of your lungs, hiding under a rock, or all of the above. Wait, this sounds like the Holiday Season! Some live in this mode the rest of the year as well… But you don’t have to be in this place now or during the Holidays…
What is this place any way? Why do we create this frenetic pace? Why do we create this way of operating? Why does our life feel out of control? We live in this space to get things done and to take care of others because it we think it makes us feel good and in control… Wait, what?! That’s right. The way we go about life is actually counterproductive. It’s actually creating the opposite from our desired outcome… This place is called lack of ownership… This place is called lack of boundaries… This place is called being codependent… Ouch!
I know this place intimately; I still operate this way sometimes. I recognize this place in other’s from a mile away… These peeps are in pain, and sometimes they don’t even know it! Instead what they know is that their relationship doesn’t work. That they are not compensated enough at work or that their business is suffering. That their children are not doing well. That their health is deteriorating. Or, they just plain feel unhappy and dissatisfied… Do any of these resonate with you?
Please don’t be afraid of the word codependent. It used to be associated with the partner of a substance abuser. Now, it has a much larger meaning. It’s Interdependence gone array… Remember, we do not want to be codependent, dependent or independent… We want to strive for Interdependence – where we are healthily, mindfully and lovingly connected to others while being our Authentic Self. When we mute, neglect, abandon and even abuse our Self to cope and in the name of another we are being codependent… So, don’t get stuck on the terminology. I’ve seen this also called being Enmeshed, Undifferentiated, Symbiotic, etc. Just hold on to the concept instead and let’s strive for being Interdependent and our Authentic Self. Deal?
So, what do we do? First things first, and that is to start owning our Self. This means staying within our immediate circle of influence and not in our partner’s circle. This means taking ownership of things that are ours… I routinely see partners drop the ball here. Actually, they keep passing the ball to each other… They look like they are playing a game of hot potato… “You are it!”, they say and wait for the other to change… Not taking ownership of how we contribute to our situation and changing our contribution to it guarantees staying in the same ugly place… I promise!
How do we know what is ours? How do we know what we can change? How do we empower ourselves? Actually, this is quite simple believe it or not. I see immediate and profound changes as soon as partners start implementing this, without fail! The big reveal is: Minding your own thinking, feeling and doing and not your partner’s… This does not mean being obnoxious, inconsiderate, callous or uncaring… to the contrary. When we own our Self we also embrace our thoughtful, understanding, compassionate, and loving parts of our Self… When we clean our mindset, invest in naturally feeling good, and take responsibility for our all our decisions and actions (including setting proper boundaries, meeting our needs and doing self care) our world starts to change… I promise!
Some might think that setting boundaries is giving our partner the middle finger. If that is you, stop that! Setting boundaries does not mean being mean… It does mean taking care of our Self while minding the other’s best interest…
Start owning your Self, start changing your world. Your world becomes a piece of cake when you start operating from this empowered state… It’s quiet an unbelievable experience… Trust and let go… Start living your Authentic Life and enjoying your Awesome Relationship!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
What are some things that you find yourself complaining about in your life? In your relationship? How do you contribute to the issue, situation, experience, status quo…? Find a different angle, perspective, approach to address this… The secret is to use your Self differently… Take an immediate action to address your concern today. Add this to your Tool Kit…
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health field in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of MetroRelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. We help couples create a radiant and authentic relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™.