What makes your relationship special? What is it about your relationship that makes you happy? What do you appreciate the most about your partner’s essence? How does your partner’s essence enrich your life?
I find that partners tend to forget what’s at the core of themselves and their partner. They tend to focus on what’s in front of their face, the behaviors they don’t like, the habits that annoy them, and attitudes that might hurt them. Top with the fact that these things are looked at through skewed lenses. They are looked at with lenses warped with limiting beliefs, the pain of childhood wounds, scripts and poor boundaries. They assess and process their partner’s every move and their interactions through these warped lenses. They use incredible logic to make the case that they are being wronged in some way.
I have heard versions of people’s logic depicting how messed up their situation or partner is. Does the logic add up? Sure. We can make a case for about anything we want… Looked at through our scripts we can find just about any fact we want to prove our version of things. But adding up mere facts and our interpretation of them doesn’t serve anyone. Proving our script dishonors our core Self, that of our Partner and the sanctity of our Partnership. We don’t have to make ourselves right to be heard or understood. We don’t have to prove a case as if we are going to court to be seen and validated. We don’t have to tie ourselves to some version of what we make out to be Truth to he honored…
What is our Truth? We get hang up on facts as truth, but this is the most unlikely measuring stick… Facts can be strung together to tell a version that validates our scripts… And, we can make some compelling case. This is dangerous business!
This way of analyzing our partner, our interactions, and our relationship only serves to leave our Partner out of it… For in that analyzes there is barely an ounce of Truth about our partner and our relationship. Our partner is no longer part of the equation at this point. What we are doing instead is making ourselves the victims and work hard at validating that over and over… This is crazy making. I see people everyday take themselves on rides and let the squirrels in their head run the show… This is the surest way to be unhappy and miss the boat on the possibilities of our Partnership.
Every time we entertain the noise, the doubt, and the fear and allow ourselves to wallow in self-pity and victimhood, we are missing the boat. So, how do we break this harmful mental and emotional habit? It can feel daunting to even get a glimpse that we are in a maze of our own making, that the reality we believe is wrong… It can feel so illusive and overwhelming that it’s easier to close our eyes and go on as usual. A devil known is better than the one unknown. So we keep on looking for ways to validate how we are wronged.
But what if, what if for a moment we entertain the idea that our partner is not the enemy? That our partner is dealing with their own demons. That our partner actually means well. That our partner is trying their best. That our partner is stuck in the maze with us!
If only we were both to look up and recognize the maze; and, agree to work together to get out. The maze would all but disappear! The illusion would no longer hold us captive. Breaking the mesmerizing hold doesn’t have to be hard. You have to really want it. You have to trust your Self. You have to go the depth of what you know and hang on to the Truth. Your gut knows the Truth. Your heart and Soul know the Truth. When you get that glimpse your job is to hold on to that for dear life and not let go. This is how you break the trance…
Operate from your known Truth regardless of the facts. Use the benefit of the doubt, grace, vulnerability, compassion, empathy, validation and Love. See the core of your Partner, not the noise surrounding your partner. Assume the best of intentions even if they come at you with a sledgehammer (you can address the delivery later!). Stop assigning motives to your partner about their not being interested about you and your needs, or caring about you. They are doing their best.
It’s time to work together to get out of the maze, use how you get each other better, and enjoy the good stuff you fell in love with in the first place. Yes, it is still there! This is the Essence, the Truth! Don’t let defense mechanisms, lack of development, bad habits and lack of skills mute this radiance!
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
Let’s say your partner is selfish (is coming across as selfish to you…). They seem to be all about what they need, how they need it and when they need it regardless of the impact on you and your needs.
This takes the form of space and separateness for the distancer in the relationship and the form of connection and togetherness for the pursuer in the relationship… Regardless of the topic at hand, this is the underlying dynamic / MO at play.
You can be talking about who is going to do the grocery shopping – the distancer wants to go alone and crank it out, the pursuer wants to go together and have an experience while shopping. If your partner doesn’t want to come grocery shopping with you does it mean they don’t care about you? If your partner wants you to go grocery shopping with them does it mean they are trying to control you? We have to watch how we assign meaning to our interactions…
Regardless of the topic and the outcome, what’s important is how we address it. It is in the addressing that the healing, growing and evolving happens. Where the closeness, intimacy and Partnership happens. Once you each express what is happening for you and show you get your partner’s experience or position, a solution can always be found… The trick is not to impose our wishes, but to express what is happening for us without assigning motives to our partner.
NOTE: When we assign motives we actually feel differently! This is what gets us into trouble.
Stop imposing your script and start honoring the essence of your Partnership!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Honoring!
P.S. We are now providing monthly personal growth and relationship nurturing workshops! For details on our next Connection Workshop™ visit here!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
For the next two days, monitor your internal dialogue about your partner and your relationship. Note how you assign motives and are employed fulltime proving your script. This can be discouraging and exhausting!
Then, make a commitment to give yourself, and your partner, a break. Going forward, every time you catch yourself owning your partner or playing victim stop and regroup:
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and connect with their Essence
Look for the exception in your script, anything that’s not congruent with making your point, and hone in and expand that
Make note of how the black cloud lifts…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes in the comment box at the end!
Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!
Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship™ Family!
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health field in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of MetroRelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected.