Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Would A Mother-Enmeshed Man Feel Selfish For Putting Himself First?

What should be normal is for a man to be there for himself and take care of his own needs. By being this way, he will be able to live a life that is worth living.

However, while putting himself first should be normal, this could be something that rarely takes place. Instead, he can typically ignore himself and focus on his mother’s needs.

No Life

As a result of this, a number of his own needs are going to be overlooked and he is unlikely to have a life that is fulfilling. The time and energy that would allow him to elevate his own life will be directed toward his mother.

But, although he will be neglecting himself, this might not be something that he is consciously aware of. Furthermore, he could receive a lot of positive feedback from family and friends.

The Wrong Path

If someone were to point out that he is living in the wrong way, though, it might not have much of an impact on him. It could go in one ear and out of the other and he might even criticise them.

From this, it will be clear that he is not ready to accept that he is out of balance. What this will also show is that he is out of touch with many of his needs and his need to meet those needs.

Outer Directed

In the place of this connection and need, will be the connection that he has to his mother’s needs and his need to meet them. He is then going to be a separate human being but it will be as though he is merely an extension of his mother.

No matter what he does, then, his main priority will be to be there for his mother and take care of her. Naturally, this is going to take its toll on him and sooner or later, he might no longer be able to behave in this way.

A fall

Assuming that he was to arrive at a point where he is unable to behave in this way, this can end up being a time when he will start to question why his life is this way. He can come to see that being there for his mother is what feels comfortable, even though it is having a negative effect on him and his life.

If he were to imagine putting himself first and saying no to his mother, he could soon be filled with guilt and shame. Based on this, it will be wrong for him to be there for himself and right for him to be there for his mother.

What’s going on?

As this is what is going on for him, it is to be expected that he would ignore himself and focus on his mother's needs. Not behaving in this way will cause him to experience a lot of discomfort and to feel as if he is being self-centred.

Yet, as he is here to live his own life and not be an extension of anyone else, it doesn’t make any sense for him to be this way. Nonetheless, if his early years are taken into account, it is likely to soon make sense.

Back In Time

Practically from the moment that he was born, he is likely to have been deprived of the attunement and love that he needed. And, when he expressed certain needs, he is likely to have typically been ignored, criticised, rejected and left.

He would then have had no other choice but to lose touch with himself and focus on his mother's needs. Not only would this have deeply wounded him but, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs, feelings and his self were bad.

Brainwashed

Ergo, due to how his mother and perhaps his father treated him, he would have developed a very negative relationship with himself. The most important stage of his life, when it comes to his development, would have been a time when he was conditioned to abandon himself and be there for his mother.

He was powerless and totally dependent at this stage and he probably wouldn’t have been exposed to a healthy model of how to behave. If his father also focused on his mother's needs, this would have played a part in him believing that behaving in this way was the right thing to do.

The Truth

If this is what took place or something that was very similar to it, he will need to keep in mind that he was violated and used by one or two people who were most likely deeply damaged and had been deprived during their formative years. So, what this means is that how he came to view his own needs, feelings and self is wrong.

Ultimately, there is nothing wrong with his needs, feelings or self, and he is here to live his own life. For him to know this at the core of his being, he is likely to have a lot of healing work to do.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.