We are all doing our best, trying to meet our needs, shlepping along the road of life without a map. Much of the time, we do what we do and after we’ve done it, we wish we hadn’t. Much of the time, what we do doesn’t get our needs met and actually gets us the opposite result, but it’s all that we know how to do.
Anybody ever do something that you wish you hadn’t and it didn’t even get you what you wanted? “Man, why did I yell at my children for yelling at each other? I wish I could rewind to before my self-prescribed therapy of four large hand-fulls of chocolate chips!
We always have choices about how to meet our needs but we rarely know it at that time. We are making choices at every moment about everything we think, feel and do. You’ve already made hundreds of choices today – whether to go for that slim fast breakfast bar or that donut this morning – okay how many of us went for that donut?
The trouble is, most of the choices we make are made on auto-pilot. We are rarely aware that we’ve even made a choice, or that other choices were possible. Even when we know that we had a choice to make, we often make them by default or out of habit, based on choices that others have made or based on faulty information, better known as assumptions.
Here’s how those assumptions, seep into our psyches, our choices and our lives. Let’s look at an assumption that might have led to a simple choice that all of you made – whether or not to read this article.
(To self) “I know this article is going to be a waste of my time. She’s probably like all those writers who’ll take 45 minutes to say what could be said in 5 and then be awful anyway. Maybe I’ll just skim through it.”
The assumption might be based on some information from past experience, but it is also based on some skewed logic. The logic that says we know for a fact what will happen in the future – “I know that this is going to be a waste of my time, the logic that generalizes one situation to every other situation – “She’s probably like all those writers…”. The logic that tells us that things will be awful.
These assumptions or, beliefs without proof, were put together when we were much younger, based on the limited information we had at the time and then rarely questioned. They tell us what to think and how to feel and act, like a running monologue in our heads. They affect every area of our lives, from our emotions to our self-esteem to our relationships. For example, how many of us, including myself, have assumed something was going to turn out horribly, spent many hours worrying about it, and it ended up just fine. How many of us have avoided doing something new because our “crystal ball” told us that we were going to be awful at it.
If we want to make effective, positive choices it is very helpful to start with changing the assumptions on which the choices are based. Easier said than done. Here’s the tough part. In the blink of an eye, and completely without our awareness, our assumptions inform our thoughts, which immediately lead to our feeling a certain way which is closely followed by our acting in a certain way.
As an example would be a friend calling us to ask for a favor. We are swamped, and the logical choice would be to say no. However we assume that we have to please and be liked by everybody, think that it would be wrong and awful to say no, that our friends wouldn’t be our friend any more, feel stressed mixed with a dose of guilt and an unbidden “yes” flies out of our mouths.
In order to make more effective choices, it can be helpful to push the personal pause button on the VCR of their lives, slowing down the assumption to thought to feeling to action chain. We have to first become aware of our assumptions, and evaluate them for exaggerations and other errors in logic.
Looking at the previous assumption, we can help ourselves say no with less concern leading to less overload. We can first examine the error in logic that has us believe that we can predict the future. We can look at the probability that we would not lose our friends by saying no and taking care of ourselves. It is likely that a real friend would understand and remain a friend even if we said no to a request. We can look at the ways in which we are generalizing. Do we really have to do every single thing that every person asks of us? Do we have to please everybody to the exclusion of ourselves? We can look at the ways in which we are “awfulizing”. Would it really be awful to say no? Some people might not be pleased and we might have liked to have helped out, but we cannot say that it would be awful to take care of ourselves. Armed with this information, we have more of a chance of getting off of our “autopilot” response and say “no”.
The above is just one example of how we can become “editors” of the scripts we unconsciously write for ourselves, changing our assumptions and thoughts, leading to better outcomes, happier endings!. We can apply this approach to dealing more effectively with more difficult emotions and increasing gratitude, leading to more joy in our lives, developing more reasonable ways to measure ourselves, leading to increased confidence, learning the ways in which to approach relationships from a win-win perspective, leading to more positive connections. We can build the life skills needed to act on new, more effective perspectives.
I have used this approach to edit my assumption that gloom and doom are probable outcomes of each day, thereby lessening my stress level significantly! I have stopped reproaching myself for mistakes, lessening my perfectionistic approach to my life, making for a much happier me! Look for upcoming articles with concrete “editing tips” and skills for increasing joy, self-confidence and love in your life!
Adina Bloom Lewkowicz is a consultant, speaker and author of “Teaching Emotional Intelligence” (Corwin Press, ’07). Through policy work, speaking engagements, consulting, additional books and social media, she plans to share the information and skills that greatly contribute to our happiness, self-esteem and increase our opportunities for wonderful relationships, believing that as more and more of us manage our emotions effectively, feel good about ourselves, communicate clearly, learn to resolve conflicts and meet our needs in positive ways, we can move as a society toward the development of a healthy, high-functioning civilization. She can be contacted through her website: www.teachingemotionalintelligence.com