Relationships, which are the spice of life, often create feelings of inadequacy and pain which interfere with the sense of well-being that we all strive for. When faced with interpersonal conflict, we tend to either blame ourselves or the other.
There is a third way. Accept the reality that every relationship is a dance between two people who are each participating fully in the creation of either harmony or disharmony. One dancer takes a step back as the other steps forward. Each is responsible for 50% of the dance.
Now, nurture yourself by examining what’s going on inside yourself and discover and own your 50%. Sit quietly in a time and place where you won't be interrupted.
Step 1. Begin by becoming aware of what’s happening in your body as you consider your significant relationship. Notice physical sensations, i.e., heat, cold, tight, smooth, still, active, electric, pulsating… Just be with your body for a few minutes.
Step 2. Connect to your anger, sadness, fear and guilt. Write or think: I’m angry that…. I’m sad that… I’m afraid that… I feel guilty that… Say these statements over and over again to discover your emotional climate.
Step 3. Consider writing a letter that you won't mail to that person where you share all these emotions. This is a way for you to take responsibility for your part of things, to connect to how you feel that you have been injured, and to release pain. Writing is a wonderful method of unpacking emotional baggage.
Step 4. Talk to your significant other. Decide what part of your discovery you might want to share with this person, and posit it in an "I Statement," such as, I feel angry that you have withdrawn from me. I feel sad that you are not affectionate anymore. I am afraid that we are growing apart. I feel guilty that I have participated in the difficulties we are having. An “I Statement” does not elicit defensive listening because you are not pointing a finger, you are simply describing your own internal feelings.
Step 5. At the end of your statement, share your plan to change something about yourself to improve the relationship.
Step 6. Pause and wait for feedback.
Step 7. If you wish, ask for a suggestion from your significant other of something they are willing to change about themselves to assist the relationship.
All the best,
Dr. Rita
Dr. Bigel-Casher is an authority in Relationships and Trauma,an Intimacy Expert, Empowerment Expert, Self-Development Expert, and Relationship and Family Therapy Expert.