Overcoming The Fear of Committment

"Most women ultimately want their relationships to lead to marriage. They feel they need a man to make a commitment in order to feel secure. This need can scare men away, making them feel like an object, as if they’re being used for a woman's security. No man wants to feel as if he's being used. As soon as he does, he's going to leave. Feeling loved is different from feeling used. When a woman can really give a man freedom, it takes his fear of being used away.

Being safe and feeling free in a relationship means different things for different men. For some men, the main joy of relationships is the challenge of finding one. They pursue a woman as long as they don't have her, but once they do, they start feeling trapped. They feel as if spontaneity and new possibilities are cut off. The adventurer that longs to live in all men, feels he has no place to go, and the sense of being imprisoned in a relationship begins to grow.

Other men refuse to be tamed. They feel that women want to manage a guy and if they give in, they’ll be putty in her hands. This fear of being putty in a woman's hands, having her manage him, and having his unpredictability taken away, is equivalent to death for many men, young and old, single and married because it's as if they're succumbing to a mother figure, becoming a good boy and ultimately losing their power and masculinity.

Freedom is a man's birthright. Once they feel a woman takes away their freedom they’re likely to back away. For other men, relationships are all a power game. The one who's strong is the one who needs the other one less. The power is in not needing. These men can back away as soon as they begin to feel they need the woman more than she needs them.

For these men, their sense of power and masculinity comes from not being subject to a woman, from being the one in control. It's no wonder that men like these cannot stay with one woman long. Sooner or later their feelings of dependency start to grow. In order to squelch their own feelings, these men take to the hills. No matter how strong they think they are, the heartbreaking part is that their loneliness and frustration only intensify each time they run.

It’s important for women in relationship with these kinds of men to give them space and freedom. It’s also important to let them know, at the same time, how much they mean to you as well.

Randy, an executive in his thirties who had never been married, said all his relationships ended quickly, after only a couple of months. "What starts out great, ends up dismally. As soon as I'm with them about a month and they think they have me, the complaints begin. They don't like this or that about me. Sometimes it's the way I dress. Sometimes I don't listen enough. I could have listened all night, but the one time I didn't, they pick on that. Whatever it is, they let me know. Before long, I feel like I'm back in school again getting a D on my report card. So I smile and am polite to their face, but before they know it, I'm out the door."

A woman in relationship with a man like this would do well to encourage him to answer her back, to express his feelings. She should listen quietly and be careful about criticizing him. Many men are much more fragile than they seem. Harsh words from a woman they are dating can cut very deep. When she does express her needs and feeling, it is important to do it carefully, in a non-critical manner, making sure he is also aware of how much she values him.

Ultimately, it’s important to know the man you’re with, what makes him feel safe and valued. You can find out by asking him, and also by looking at his relationship history. When did other relationships end, and why? What was the triggering factor? Patterns often repeat. If you understand his pattern in the beginning, you have a much better chance of not getting caught. Basically, most men want to be in relationships, they want to commit. If you can understand and relate well to his particular fears, you will be giving the relationship a real chance.