Coping With Rejection

Dear Dr. Lisa,

This problem has just started major today. (F.Y.I) I am 13 years old and i have had this very deep crush on a girl at school. I have liked her since last year and have finally brought up the courage to call her. Everything was goin well until she told me some disturbing news, the previous year she dated one of my best friends! This hurt inside soo much! Then she told me another boyfriend she had and was talking about “hot guys” to me! Inside I was really crying but outside I was acting normal. On top of that, she even tried to hook me up with her friend.I am having unbearable pain, emptiness, i can’t explain it but it’s…empty. I am calm, but empty. I feel as if I could cry for-ever.

I will probably call her and tell her how I feel, but I’m in 4 of her classes and don’t know if I could stand being there.

So if you could help me out here… I NEED IT

Tom, Maryland

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Dear Tom,

My wise friend, for that is what you are, wise to recognize and admit your feelings in this situation. That is already a big step! So, here you are, needing to tell her how you feel, risking one of the biggest thing any of us can risk, rejection!

Here are some tips. First, be prepared! I like to say, “Expect the best, but prepare for the worst.” Before you make that phone call, ask yourself, “What is the best thing that could happen here?” Try to be realistic. Maybe she will respond to what you say and want to go out with you. Maybe she will respond to what you say, and only like you as a friend. Or, looking at the worst that could happen, maybe when you tell her how you feel, she will tell you she is not interested in you in return. Then, you will have to look at her in 4 classes knowing she said that to you!

What is most important here is what you will tell yourself mentally in regards to whatever response you get. What I advise you NOT to tell yourself if she rejects you is something like, “I must be a loser.” “I will never find someone like her ever again in my life.” “I don’t know how I can live without her.” I would also avoid listening to any songs that reinforce these kind of negative messages. Instead, create some counter-messages that are more affirming. If she is not interested in you, tell yourself, “I trust in the Divine to know who is really suited for me, and who is not. If she has told me no, the Divine must be telling me someone else, much more suited to me, is waiting. She simply is not the one for me, despite what my emotions may tell me.” You can also tell yourself, “I am a great person. People will recognize this in my life, and if they don’t it is only because they do not really know me, or are too different from me to appreciate my many gifts.” You might also say, “I will live through this rejection, remain a loving and wise person, and find someone else who will really like me for who I am.” You could even write some of these messages on a note card. Put them in your notebook, and when you are sitting in a class next to her, look at the note card and read these messages silently to yourself.

Unfortunately, rejection is a part of life. If you learn early on how to handle it without lowering your self-esteem, you are already setting the stage for success in your life. After all, the most successful people are often those who failed more than anyone else, and just kept on learning and growing regardless. Finally, maybe you will be lucky, and this girl will have the wisdom and sensitivity to see what a great young man you are! At the very least, you and she will become great friends. At the most, you will learn more about what it is to honestly care for and accept another person.

From the heart,

Dr. Lisa Love
www.doctorlisalove.com