Who Would I Be Without My Roles

“The woman who survives intact and happy must be at once tender and tough. She must… be in the unending process of convincing herself, that she, her values, and her choices are important…The pressure upon women to yield their rights-of-way is tremendous. And it is under those very circumstances that the woman's toughness must be in evidence.” Maya Angelou

What roles do you play in your life? Entrepreneur, Professional, Office worker, Mother, Partner, Daughter? It’s a mixed bag. We live busy lives and fill our days with activities that go along with our roles. We multi-task, we juggle and we blend in an effort to get everything done.

Women love to connect. We play many roles that invariably involve connection with others. Our life is often defined by community. Researchers have been aware of this for many years.

Louann Brizendine, MD, author of The Female Brain says part of the reason we seek connectedness is a natural need for positive feedback from others. Studies have shown that even very young baby girls need eye contact and smiles to tell them that people are pleased with them. Grown women also tend to be more sensitive to and react more to guilt feelings than men do.

The interconnectedness we seek and often find through our roles can be very satisfying. However there is a potential downside. Because of our desire to connect with and nurture others, we may take our roles too much to heart. Sometimes we become so engrossed in them we’re not really sure where we end as a person and our role begins.

This is when the trouble starts. Women often talk about feeling overworked, underpaid and under-appreciated in jobs, at home and in the community. It’s a challenge to step back and see that there’s often a link between our frustrations and the way we approach the many roles that make up our lives.

Eckhart Tolle says”
“Pre-established roles may give you a somewhat comforting sense of identity, but ultimately you lose yourself in them…Authentic human interactions become impossible when you lose yourself in a role.”

The tension between our roles and our own needs is compounded when we hit midlife. Until menopause our brains are programmed by “the delicate interplay of hormones, physical touch, emotions and brain circuits to care for, fix and help those around us…” according to Brizendine. She also reminds us of the feminist viewpoint that society reinforces us for pleasing others. Our brain circuits don’t change completely in midlife, but the estrogen and oxytocin that provided the fuel for our caregiving have decreased considerably. This means our thoughts, our feelings and our very brain function changes.

There we are in the midst of demanding lives with myriad roles, responsibilities and schedules, and suddenly perimenopause with its attendant needs begins. We realize that we crave time to ourselves. We feel torn and sometimes we begin to rebel against our life.

Rites of Passage require isolation. The Midlife Passage is an important Rite of Passage for women. Susun Weed, author of Menopausal Years… the Wise Woman Way, advocates a Crone's Time Away during the intense period near the end of perimenopause when many women find themselves desperate to be alone. It’s an opportunity to reassess our lives and rejuvenate ourselves. In the best of possible worlds we would all get this opportunity, but that’s not the case.

Although an extended vacation, sabbatical or Year Away is ideal, women can and do remain at home and still take time for themselves. It’s not hard to do a modified form of retreat even if at home if you give yourself permission to do so! The extent of your ‘time away’ depends also on factors such as children’s ages and job or business flexibility. But where there is a will there is a way!

Many women are finding ways to change their lives and to take mini-breaks to rejuvenate and reassess priorities. My neighbour took a year off from all her community boards and activities to check in with herself. She discovered that she did not want to return to that way of life; she required a slower pace that allowed her to tend to her own health needs, resettle her aged mother, and enjoy group kayaking. This seems to work well for her.

Other women decrease their work hours to three or four days per week. Many single midlife women have moved to small communities like mine to begin new lives, following the lead of their intuition. They live simply and inexpensively and build a life of quality for themselves.

For some of us, only minor changes are needed to step free of the burden of our roles, for others nothing but a complete life change is required. Martha Beck refers to making change in our lives as “redecorating”. She says:

“My devout hope is…that you’ve discovered that your life needed only a bit of redecorating, at most an extra room or two, in order to be absolutely perfect. But…in my [earlier] life unhappiness wasn’t so easy to escape…I couldn’t just redecorate my life to get out of those situations. I had to raze it to the ground, dig up the foundations, and start the whole thing over from scratch..”

We are so much more than the sum of our roles. More than we can possibly imagine in our wildest dreams. But in the push to fulfill our duties and responsibilities we sometimes forget this. When we take the time to pull back from our daily lives, when we seek the stillness inside, it is there that we find our true selves. When we allow ourselves to tune inward, we know what kind of ‘redecorating’ our lives need.

For more information about Self-care during the midlife years, the following may be helpful to you:

Susun Weeds’ work:
http://www.menopause-metamorphosis.com/A_Menopause_phases.htm

20 Minute Retreats by Rachel Harris, pub. Henry Holt

This article was first published in Timefinders On-line Magazine
c 2008 Ellen Besso