How Can I Find Love...And Keep It?

Tell me if this has happened to you? You meet a great guy, you start to fall for him and *poof*! He disappears.

Or... you've been seeing each other every weekend and he suddenly has to work this weekend. And the next. And the next.

You've been talking on the phone everyday, but one day he doesn't call. So, with your heart in your throat, you call him, but he doesn't answer. Maybe you leave a message. And look at your phone every five minutes waiting for it to ring. But he doesn't call. You might call him again, or you might spend a night tossing and turning, feeling the old familiar "oh no. It's okay. I'm sure it's okay," settle into your heart.

You tell yourself that it's alright. That something just came up and you'll hear from him tomorrow. But you don't. You start to worry that he's been in a car accident, so you call again. Maybe he answers this time and tells you he's just been busy, but you can sense the distance in his voice.

And then, things just seem to fall apart. And you have no idea why. You can't understand why this keeps happening. But what you do know, is that every time it happens, it makes it harder for you to trust the next guy. But you hang on to hope and put the past behind you when you meet your next potential Mr. Right. Until it starts falling apart again.

It's like a nightmare with no ending.

So what exactly is the problem, you wonder? Is there something wrong with me? Are all the good guys really taken?

Let me ask you this: Do you attract unavailable men? When I say "unavailable," I don't necessarily mean married or otherwise romantically involved. Emotional unavailability was my lot and I think in some ways more detrimental. Because with the emotionally unavailable man comes the illusion that you might actually have a shot with them. I'm talking about the guy who tells you things like, "I'm not looking for a girlfriend," or "I'll never get married again." but you think you can change that, right? Because you're pretty great.

And you are. Don't doubt that. But if these are the kinds of guys you continuously attract,I have bad news for you. I've seen this with my clients and believe me, I've experienced it myself. The bad news is, it begins with you.

I've been there. Eventually, I began to realize that there was a reason I had a pattern of attracting men like this, and the reason was… ME! That’s right. You’ve heard the saying, “like attracts like”? HELLO, mirror! The guys I was attracting were unavailable, because I was unavailable. Not just to them, but to myself.

So what can be done? Are you doomed to a life of romantic roller coaster riding? NO. Not if you're willing to make some changes. I've managed to overcome this, I've helped my clients overcome it and I know that with the right tools, you can too.

Being aware of it is the first step. The good news is: since it starts with you, you can change it.

For me, and many of my clients, the root of it was fear of intimacy and it's likely got a kicker of fear of abandonment and fear of rejection tossed in just to spice things up.

So after you become aware of this and accept it, the second thing you want to do is to really nurture yourself. Show yourself some love. Make a list of what you value about yourself (have your friends help if you need it, but I hope you don't). Then, accept that you have flaws. So what? They make you who you are. You know the mirror thing I just spoke of? If you accept, respect and love yourself, you'll start attracting guys who do, too.

Another thing you can do is face those fears down. The funny thing I've found about fear, is that once you stop running from it, it ceases to have a hold on you.

One way you can do this is to focus on what the particular fear is. Lots of times, it's fear that he'll leave. Then imagine what would happen if he did. Really get deep into this and get detailed. Would you eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's and hibernate watching chick flicks? How do you handle the disappearing act?

And then imagine what you would do next. Imagine how you'll move on. Believe me, when you do this the fear will start to melt away. You don't have to actually leave or chase him off (I was a pro at that, too). Many times, just facing down that fear is enough to dispel it.

So try this as soon as you start feeling that twinge of "Oh no-ness." Guys can sense the fear and the ensuing neediness even if we're trying to hide it). So if you feel he's distancing himself, it's likely due to this. Most guys will distance themselves if they sense neediness from you or that you're depending on them to make you happy. Try this exercise and see if it doesn't eliminate most - if not all - of not only the distance, but your anxiety around it.

And let me know how it works for you. How did it help you and what difference did it make with him?

I look forward to hearing your success stories! I made it and I know you can too!