How To Compromise In Marriage: When Marriage Partners Have Different Values

How To Compromise In Marriage: When Marriage Partners Have Different Values

There is one key to making a successful marriage that is probably one of the hardest things in the world to do. It's called compromise. Why is this so hard? Simple. We may be part of a marriage but we are still individuals. And as individuals we have different likes and dislikes. It's not like we married a clone of ourselves, Our partner may not and probably doesn't like the same things we do. In some cases, such as the choice of a magazine we like to read, this isn't a problem. After all, if you're sitting in your corner reading the latest issue of Popular Mechanics, it isn't haven't any real effect on your spouse. But what about when it comes to watching TV and 9 PM prime time has just hit and your spouse wants to watch Desperate Housewives and you want to watch the football game? Then what? Well, hopefully these few tips and suggestions just might get you past these not so small problems.

In the case of TV, with today's technology, this isn't very hard to get around. Of course it still does require some kind of compromise. With TIVO and digital cable, shows can be taped and watched at a later date. So there's no need to miss your favorite show, even if there are two things on at the same time. But that still means that somebody has to wait to watch their program, so a level of compromise is still needed. This can be handled very easily. Simply agree to alternate between who gets to watch live TV and who has to wait to watch their show. By agreeing to this schedule and sticking to it, you'll avoid arguments over what to watch on TV.

What about when it comes to going out for dinner. You want Chinese but your spouse wants Italian. There are a couple of ways to settle a problem like this. The one is and this only works if you go out to eat often, to alternate preferences. One time you go to Chinese and the next time you go to Italian. If that doesn't work for you then a great compromise is to pick something other than your two main choices. Agree to maybe go to a diner or even a pizza place. There has to be something on your list of favorite restaurants and foods that you both can agree on that is neutral.

Let's say you're looking through the newspaper trying to decide on a movie to go to. Your spouse wants to see some tear jerker while you want to see the latest kung fu flick. There are a couple of ways you can work this out as well. One is to agree to go see both movies on two different nights. If that doesn't work for you then the other choice is to look through the list of movies and see if you can't find something that you both agree on. Yes, it may take some work, but that's what compromise is all about.

And if all this fails, then try thinking about your spouses feelings first. Sometimes it can be a really great feeling to be unselfish and do something just for your spouse.

Try it. You may just like the feeling.

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In relationships, nothing is perfect. You have to face travails and succeed in dealing with them together with your partner. You both have to learn from your mistakes and try not to do things that hurt each other the most in the course of being together. You have to learn how to save your marriage before a tiny problem can lead to damaging effects that might cause for your foundation to be dissolved.

You must build a strong foundation from the start. Marriage is a learning process. Sometimes, you may not want what you have learned but this doesn't mean that you must give up on everything. It only means that you are like others, your relationship is not perfect. So the best thing that you can do in order to save your marriage is learn to accept facts. You have to love your partner unconditionally. And you must be willing to bend according to changes and to accommodate everything that you might have found out in the process.

A good foundation will come in handy at times when your marriage becomes rocky. There will be lots of times wherein you have to start from scratch in order to save your marriage. But the good thing about this is that if you are very sure that it is all worth fighting for.

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Building a strong foundation is one thing. If this foundation will be marred by intrigues, hatred and other problems, you have to keep trying and think about how strong that foundation was. This will give you better chances into holding on and keeping up with the fight.

Here are some recommendations as to what you can do when you have been faced with obstacles that almost dissolved such good foundation of your marriage.

1. Talk things out with your husband or wife. You have to let your partner know how you feel. You have to make them aware how much you are hurting. You must not process such feeling by yourself. There are maybe things that you don't fully understand because you are being blinded by your jealousy or hatred. By saying how you feel and what your thoughts are about the issues regarding your marriage, there is no other else that you should be speaking with but your partner.

In this process, you must also learn how to listen. This means that you have to open your mind and heart to possibilities and other things that you may not believe at the start. You must let your partner speak their feelings and you should give them a chance to be heard and understood.

2. You may find it hard to forgive, but in a relationship, you must perfect such act. No matter what your partner had done, if your heart tells you that they have to be forgiven, listen to it. Sometimes, your mind gives you 101 reasons why you should not forgive. But when you listen closely to what is the one thing that your heart is saying, your problems will be resolved and you will be able to see things at a different perspective.

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Having a marriage on the brink of a divorce is never an interesting proposition. It is even harder when you want the relationship to work and your spouse wants a divorce.

Most people find it very hard to deal with a troubled marriage and react badly. But it is possible to save your marriage even when your spouse wants out. Here are 4 remarkable ways to save your marriage from failure.

Work on Will Power

It is not everyone who will share your thoughts. They might mean well but with negative comments sounding in your ears, you might be forced to hit the gas and speed down the path of divorce.

You might hear comments like, "it is for the best" or "it's out of your hands now". You will hear this over and over. Do not give up, have a strong mindset that you can save your relationship.

Avoid being obsessed with your relationship. Be logical and look for ways to save your marriage. You need to work on your will power for where there is a will, there is always a way.

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Avoid the Panic Button

When your marriage is in crisis, never show your partner you are panicking. This is another remarkable way to save your marriage from failure. Never beg or plead that you would die if your marriage crashes.

This can push your spouse away. Let them have breathing space. Desperation will cause your partner to feel suffocated. Remember to be cool and calm. If you show you are unstable, you damage your chances of saving your marriage.

Be Strong

You are an adult, not a child so act like one. Spend time doing things that make you strong. Spend time with those who love you. Do not talk about things that pertain to your relationship. Opinions and comments may mar your thinking and what you need to do.

Do all it takes to make yourself happy and brace up to the challenges of making your relationship work.

Law of Attraction

Take care of yourself and children. Eat well, get rest and look good. The world does not end when your marriage is in turmoil, make the extra effort be at your best. And when your spouse finds you attractive from a physical and emotional perspective who says your marriage cannot get back on track?

Problems in marriage does not mean divorce is the only answer. You need to show will power in the face of negativity and avoid the panic button. You also need to be strong for yourself and do things that will still make you attractive to your spouse.

Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will help you overcome conflicts and breathe life back into your marriage. This is a plan you do not want to pass by. Click here to see the proven steps on how to save your marriage.

Has there ever been a day when every little thing your partner does gets on your last nerve? You can hardly stand to look at him/her! You just want to get away, out of his/her presence where he/she can't be so annoying!! Is that what you should do? Is the best option to just get away, where you can't feel annoyed or start an argument? This may seem like a good solution, but the best thing to do is actually the opposite: find a way to connect.

Sound illogical? It's taken me years to get a handle on this. Early in my career, I read in the Imago writing that the "power struggle" is a cry for connection. The "power struggle" refers to the second stage in all relationships, which is characterized by arguing, distance and defensiveness. But that didn't make any sense. Why would we argue with our partner when we really want to be close to him/her? You would think we would want the opposite: to get away from the other person. Now I know that we're really protesting the gap itself.

* On the surface, these issues look like annoyance, frustration and hurt:

* Why doesn't she want to have sex with me anymore?

* Why can't he give up one afternoon to spend time with my family?

* Why won't he stop that annoying habit of (fill in the blank)?

* I wish she was more/less (fill in the blank).

* Why won't he do a simple thing I ask of him?

* Why does she spend so much time (fill in the blank)?

* I don't think she really cares about me anymore.

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But the anger and hurt is covering up other, very painful, emotions. Underneath the anger is a deep loneliness, a deep longing to be intimate. What we really feel underneath is this: "I'm angry at you for not loving me and being close to me all the time, every minute, no matter what!" We're enraged that:

1. our partner doesn't know this and provide it all day, every day

2. our parents weren't able to give us all that we needed and

3. we don't know how to ask for what we need so that our partner can give it.

Recognize what is underneath your anger at your partner. Are you also feeling distant, isolated, unloved and abandoned? It could be that you are enraged at their bad behavior, but also hurt at feeling unloved by the person who was supposed to love you always and forever.

Now, how are you going to ask to be loved? What if you ask for closeness and love and your partner can't give it, or worse, doesn't want to give it? That would be devastating. It's 'easier' to be angry at our partner's shortcomings and believe that if only he/she will change, THAT will make the relationship better. Can you look beneath your anger and recognize the other feelings? Can you let go of blaming and instead ask for love? Here are some possibilities:

* "I'm feeling so far away from you. Would you just hold me?"

* "We haven't really talked in a long time. Let's get a sitter and go out just the two of us."

* "Sex reminds me that you love me and it's a way for me to show how much I love you. Can we make time for that?"

* "Can you tell me that you love me?"

How totally different to ask for closeness rather than to bash our partner's character or annoying habits! It's counterintuitive to what we think needs to be done when there's a dispute. We think what's needed is to change our partner. What we're really longing for is love. We're desperate for closeness. We so deeply need to be cherished and accepted and attended to. Not all the time, but sometimes, and ESPECIALLY when we're angry at or hurt by our partner.

I once read that when you're MAD at your spouse, it is a reminder to

Make

A

Date.

It sounded so trite and made NO SENSE at the time. Now I get it.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.