How To Make My Husband Realize He Is Hurting Me: How To Tell Your Husband He Hurt You

How To Make My Husband Realize He Is Hurting Me: How To Tell Your Husband He Hurt You

I sometimes get emails from women who are sort of stuck in a holding pattern. They've found out that their husband has cheated and are devastated. They want to tell him, in great detail, just how much this cheating and this affair has hurt and devastated them, but often they hold back for a couple of reasons.

Sometimes they think that once they get started they aren't going to be able to stop or are going to say or do something that they very much regret. In short, they're afraid of unleashing these very scary feelings. Also, some women fear that they are not in any position to make their feelings known, since the marriage is already on shaky ground anyway so they aren't going to make things worse by spewing their feelings of anger and bitterness right now. What they often don't realize is that they must release these feelings or they will only become stronger and have a more lasting foot hold on them and the marriage. There is a way to get the point across and still retain your dignity and to not harm your marriage more than it already is. I'll discuss this more in the following article.

Wait Until You Have Time To Process Your Feelings And Calm Down: I always tell women to wait a couple of days to have this conversation until the shock wears off and you have time to properly process what you are feeling. You should also have the distance that is necessary to remain as calm as you possibly can. I recommend that you spend some time journaling before hand. Many people resist this, but I can tell you first hand that it will allow you to identify your feelings before you're already in the heat of the moment and it will allow you to organize your thoughts so that you come off as rational and together when you confront your husband.

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Think About What You Really Want From Your Husband's Response And Design Your Comments Accordingly: I can not tell you how many times I see women want one thing from this conversation and yet get the exact opposite because of the way that they designed their message. What do you really want to come out of this conversation? Most women want to feel heard and understood. And they want a heart felt apology and an action plan so that they know that this isn't going to happen to them again. They want to know that their husband fully realizes his mistake, is genuinely sorry for it, and is going to do whatever he needs to do to make this up to them. They want to know that their husband still finds them desirable and made a one time mistake. They want to know how in the world this could happen and how he could justify this to himself. They want reassurance that the contact with the other woman is really and truly completely done. Most of all, they want to know that, with time and work, things can at some point return to normal and that a reasonably happy life will one day return.

It's important that you understand what you're really after so that what you say (and what you really want) aren't polar opposites. Sometimes it helps to make an outline of the points that you want to make and have it with you. Ask that he doesn't interrupt you because you want to make sure that you have the opportunity to say everything that you need to say. Vow to give him the same courtesy when he responds back.

Ask For Exactly What You Need And Keep The Phrases "I" Centered: I believe that the purpose of wanting to tell him how much he's hurt you is two fold. First, you want to have your say because he needs to know how you feel and you suspect that it will feel good to get all of these things off of your chest (it can feel really good if it's done correctly.) Second, you are probably hoping (even if you don't admit this to even yourself) that he's going to say something or offer some response that relieves the tension and makes you feel at least a little bit better. To that end, once you've identified exactly what you want and need (as discussed above) make sure that you directly ask him for it.

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Do you want him to reassure you and explain exactly how he's going to work to make this right again? Tell him this. Do you want to understand exactly what happened, when, and why? Put these thoughts into very specific words. The last thing that you want to do is to leave this meeting knowing that you've left things on the table or that you've not voiced everything that you need to say.

Finally, keep the comments focused on you. Use "I" statements. Instead of saying "you've hurt and devastated me. How could you do that? What are you going to do to fix this?," say "I am feeling so hurt and devastated right now and I am very angry with you for that. I want to know exactly how you plan to rectify this for me." See the difference? You're taking responsibility for your own feelings but he knows that your feelings are a direct result of his actions. But, you're not coming off as so bitter and accusatory that your husband is going to become defensive so that you come away with this not satisfied with the conversation anyway.

Your best case scenario is to get your feelings out, to feel relief from this, and to come away with some hope and some understanding that the commitment and hard work ahead are likely to make things better rather than worse. It's important that you keep your desired results in mind when you have this conversation. Being heard is your right. But make sure you set it up so that you get what you want, need, and deserve out of it.

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Almost without exception, within every problematic marriage is a series of communication problems. If you can't communicate properly with each other, your chances of fixing the marriage are somewhere between slim and none. Below are 3 tips towards improving communication between you both.

1. Forget about the past.

I'm not saying pretend it didn't happen and your marriage has just started today, but stop putting importance on events that happened weeks, months or even years ago. You both need to look at how things are between you NOW, and how you want them to be in the future. If he said something he didn't mean 3 years ago, is it relevant now? If she flirted with another man before you were married - this matters how?

The fact of the matter is - you need to asses things in the present. Instead of focusing on things in the past that you can't control, focus on things you both can control in the future.

2. Listen to each other.

Sounds obvious doesn't it? Well, it is, but most warring couples find it almost impossible. Yes, you of course want to vent about how you feel, but unless you both give each other a chance to speak, and hear each other out, you're always going to find it difficult to get the bottom of the problems and find ways of overcoming them.

Everybody hates to be interrupted, and in a serious conversation about your entire relationship, it surely is more unwelcome than ever. Even if you find yourself disagreeing and getting annoyed at your spouse, give them their opportunity to express themselves and patiently wait your turn. I guarantee you'll be glad you did.

3. Don't beat around the bush.

Are there some issues that are really causing you concern, but you don't want to bring them up because you are afraid of the consequences or don't want to hurt your partner? Spit it out. It's the best thing in the long run. Do it in a calm, yet assertive way and absolutely NOT in an accusatory manner. Start with 'I feel', rather than 'when you'.

Unless the big issues are brought up, you'll always be fighting a losing battle when it comes to fixing the marriage. You owe it to yourself and to your partner to put exactly how you feel on the table.

I hope these tips prove helpful. Never underestimate the importance of communication and honesty. These two things alone are what will give you the basis you need to set about making things better in the short term, and more importantly - the long term.

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When 2 people get married they promise they will be together for better or worse. But despite these vows, marriages still struggle. And often end up in a separation or divorce. If you feel your marriage is rocky and may be heading downhill, here are 4 ways you can stop your marriage from breaking up.

Is it Worth it

Get a piece of paper and divide it into 2 columns. List the positives about your partner on one side and the negatives on the other. Make sure you do this when you have a clear head and you can think straight. If you do this when you are hurt or angry, you will probably only come up with the negatives. If the positives outweigh the negatives, then you should know a divorce will be a bad idea.

Love Values

It is not easy to find someone who will love you for who you are. So don't think you will easily find someone to replace your partner. A lack of excitement is not proof that there is no love in the relationship. Do things that will return the sparks of love back to your relationship.

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Heart to Heart Talk

Talk with your partner. Most people panic and run up and down looking for ways to save their marriage. But really what they just need is to have a heartfelt talk with their spouse and see how they can save the union. A relationship goes down a 2 way street. Never assume you know what is wrong with the relationship or that you understand what your partner is going through. To avoid a marriage break up, you must talk about it.

It is important you don't confront each other during your talk. You need to listen all the way. Do not get angry, defensive or critical.

See a Pro

As divorces are on the increase, so are experts who claim they know what it takes to save a marriage. It is OK to be desperate to save your marriage but get help from tested professionals. Work with recommendations and do a little digging up before you pay any therapist or marriage counselor.

You can save your marriage today. But you will need to ginger your efforts with the positives your partner has and reignite all the love that left the relationship. Furthermore, talk with your spouse and see what needs to be done differently. And be prepared to see a tested professional because you cannot do it all by yourself.

Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will help you overcome conflicts and breathe life back into your marriage. This is a plan you do not want to pass by. Click here to see the proven steps on how to save your marriage.

So many couples are at a loss when trying to figure out how to improve your married life. You get advice from "Dr Phil" or "Dr Laura", your friends and "Dear Abby". Doesn't it seem like everyone has a different opinion on how to handle YOUR problems?

It's only natural to panic when we break up or our significant other threatens to leave. You are going to feel hurt, angry and betrayed no matter how things work out. That's something you will have to accept. After all, being married is a matter of trust. When that trust is broken we go through so many emotions.

Trying to get revenge on your spouse makes the situation worse. The best way to handle the situation is to change your thinking. Instead of saying 'how can I get back at them" try saying "what did I do wrong to exacerbate the situation".

How we say things is just as important as what we say at times. Your tone of voice and facial expressions say a lot. Stop and think about it for a second. Have you really seen any kind of conflict resolved when people are screaming at each other. Probably not.

Instead of waiting for your marriage to improve this is the time to be proactive. Playing the "blame game" accomplishes little. A better approach is to stop looking at who is at fault for the problem. Deal with the issue and move on. Talking about it is the only way anything gets solved. Don't allow the things that seem so insignificant to fester.

It's much better to tell your spouse that you are hurt when the issue first comes up. We all have our faults and some of your less attractive character traits may be, in part, to blame for why things aren't going so well. That's nothing to be ashamed of! Just recognizing that you need to change in some areas heads off a lot of the marriage conflicts before they even start.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.