Husband Talks Too Much: Husband Talks Incessantly

Husband Talks Too Much: Husband Talks Incessantly

Yes, I know-lack of communication is one of the big problems marriage counselors cite as leading to divorce. But what if your spouse talks too much? Or worse yet, what if you are the one who talks too much?

Unfortunately, quantity of talk doesn't always translate into quality talk.

Recently I began to notice how people in groups I belong to communicate; especially with their spouses. At a restaurant lunch date where my husband and I met with several other couples, one man who is a joy to talk with when you are engaged in a one-on-one conversation with him, sat back and hardly added a word to the conversation.

Later, I mentioned this to my husband and he told me, "No wonder he doesn't talk. Every time he tries to say something, his wife jumps in and takes over the conversation." I hadn't paid that much attention before, but we had occasion to visit this couple in their home a few days later and my husband was right. The man's wife dominated not only what her husband had to say, but also whatever the rest of us might have wanted to say.

A relative of mine used to put down everything his wife said. If she said she liked a certain kind of car, he managed to describe it as the worst car on the market and left her feeling stupid for even mentioning the subject. She, like the gentleman I mentioned earlier, ended up saying little or nothing in a group.

Those are just examples of people who outtalk others in group settings, but even worse are those who are ruining their marriages by excessive talking at home.

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Since you, not your spouse is reading this article, I will direct the next question to you. Do you talk so much that your spouse seldom has a chance to express himself or herself? When he or she does manage to get a word in edgewise, are you half-listening, busy planning what you will say as soon as there is an opening for you to talk again? Is a lot of what you say just idle chatter, and do you often find yourself accusing your mate of "not listening?"

If you are thinking that there are a lot of more serious problems in your marriage than talking a bit too much, that may be true, but believe it or not, some of those more serious problems may disappear, or at least lessen in severity once you deal with the problem of excessive talking.

Dale Carnegie's, How to Win Friends and Influence People, has been popular for decades, because his advice works. And one of his major points is that people want to be heard. If you want to have a good relationship with anyone, or improve a relationship that is not doing so well, you need to show them that you are really interested in what they have to say.

To do that, you need to look them in the eye, pay attention to what they are saying to you, and let them talk. You can add a comment or two now and then, but don't hover, waiting for your opportunity to change the subject to something that interests you. You can have a turn now and then, but do it rarely and only when you have something worthwhile to add to the conversation.

I can almost guarantee that applying this one technique to your troubled marriage, or to any floundering relationship, will bring about a change for the better.

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Do you ache to feel understood? Do you crave that look that says, "I get you."? If you've been married a while, the words, "You just don't understand me!" have likely passed your lips. It's frustrating to be misunderstood! Common misunderstandings are the catalyst to a string of other marital challenges. You can put an end to your suffering starting now.

When you feel your mate just doesn't get you, it is a clue that you are in need of filling your own emotional tank. Stop pointing your finger at your mate, and turn it toward yourself. Ask yourself:

"What do I really want right now?"
"What assurance am I seeking from him or her?"
"What will make me feel complete?"

The answers to these questions provide the nourishment that will eliminate your frustration with being misunderstood by your life partner. Your marriage or partnership will be fortified when you actively create your own well-being.

Knowing what you want is the first step toward achieving it. Finding creative ways to get what you want will end to the game of hoping your mate can meet your needs. For example, suppose you want attention. You want to be noticed and cared for by your spouse. Identify what you can do for yourself to achieve this feeling of nurturing. Rent a favorite movie, take a soothing bath, and make a list of 50 things you appreciate about yourself. Yes, 50! You will feel great, and the waiting game with your mate can end.

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Rather than seeking assurances from your spouse, fill yourself up with what you know to be true about you. Imagine the words you want to hear coming from him or her. Now, go ahead and bolster those assurances up. Identify what will feel most comforting to you. What is most uplifting and soothing? Use self talk in phrases like, "Great job!" "I did it!" "I'm amazing!" "I see the opportunity for growth here." "I'm getting better all the time!" Bring that feel-good energy into your marriage.

Being complete with your partner is a romantic notion. Two perfect halves coming together. However, a truly solid relationship begins with two wholes. Each person, complete. Each of us is continually evolving and experiences ebbs and flows in our state of being. Yet, we still remain responsible for "filling" ourselves. Try filling up with well-being. Let go of blame and short comings and begin noticing all the wonderful aspects of yourself and your life. When you feel whole, you will not feel misunderstood.

So remember, when you feel misunderstood and are puzzled by what your spouse could possibly be thinking, turn your attention back on you. The first step is to identify what you want. Then get creative in filling yourself up with what you were expecting from your mate. Now you can turn toward you mate as a whole partner and embark on a mature journey together in an ever evolving marriage.

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Marriage is a beautiful thing, a difficult thing as well as a complicated thing. These are all descriptions that show how much of a brain teaser marriage is. However, we should not always hold the belief that marriage is so difficult. Such thoughts only make us lose hope fast and not try to do anything about saving what may be remaining of the marriage. So, there are things we can tell our partners within the marriage that may sound simple but can make the difference between staying married or getting a separation.

Like a rule of thumb, saying thank you to our partner takes no effort, but is very important. Any spouse in a marriage likes to be appreciated. When your wife prepares for you a beautiful meal, telling them thank you and mentioning how beautiful the meal was makes them feel appreciated. A wife could also thank their husband for being the kind of man he is. She could appreciate him for everything he does for her and how happy she is to be with him. Men with their sensitive ego will always deeply feel this kind of appreciation. Thank you is a simple phrase that can give your marriage a new lease of life.

From time to time we could make a mistake and make our spouses angry. At times we feel justified to have done what we did, especially if it was some sort of revenge. But this is not the right thing do. When we wrong our partners, saying sorry can open up the room for a conversation that may lead to a resolution.

At the same time, it is important to reassure your partner that you love them. Women especially, never tire of hearing the words 'I love you' said to them over and over again. This is just a way of ensuring that they are still loved and cared for. You could also assure them that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. If this was not true, then you wouldn't have married her.

When your husband or wife dresses up in the morning, it is pertinent to tell them that they are handsome or beautiful. It is very encouraging for a spouse to know that their partner appreciates how they look and still thinks of them as handsome or beautiful. It does not matter how old you are or how long you have been married.

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One of the most difficult times in any relationship is after an affair. Maybe promises were made that have never been kept instead. You want to believe that your partner is telling you the truth. How can you ever trust them again though? If you are the offending party how do you reaffirm your honesty and integrity again?

First of all you have got to make sure your actions are in line with what you say. How can anyone be expected to believe you again if your actions prove otherwise? Our body language also says a lot about what we are really feeling. Obviously, if you are smirking or making a silly facial expression when you tell somebody something your words don't mean much. They will see through you every time.

Second, trust is built up over a period of time. None of us let our guard down or see our deepest feelings right away. It takes time for all of us to know that the other person isn't going to betray us or hurt us. We need to know that they can keep a secret if we ask them to and that they truly care about our feelings. Being predictable on a day to day basis is crucial.

Third, secrets are always harmful when they are revealed. It's so much easier to be honest and open in a relationship than hide things. It's extremely difficult knowing exactly how to rebuild trust when the thing you have kept from your partner finally surfaces. Once again, this goes back to honesty and integrity. Both parties need to make a commitment to never hold anything back (within reason) from each other again.

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Fourth, let your partner know what your needs are. Let's face it-none of us have a crystal ball. We can't read each other's minds. Men in particular are not always as sensitive in this area as they should be. Guys-your woman nags because she doesn't know any other way to get through to you! Don't shut her out. She doesn't like being that way any more than you enjoy having her do it all the time. You can't expect her to trust you when you ignore the requests that she makes to you repeatedly.

Fifth, it's not always the right thing to say yes every time. Sometimes we say the goofiest things. We don't always think before we speak or consider all of the consequences for what we are asking. It happens. Successful relationships are not only built on trust but respect as well. It may seem counter-intuitive but constantly subjugating your will and never standing up for yourself actually diminishes trust I many cases.

Sixth, trust involves digging into the "meat and potatoes" of your relationship. Sometimes you have to get down and dirty to get to the real core issues. The messy things that you want to gloss over have to be dealt with to build trust in a relationship. Sooner or later those things are going to come out and bite the both of you if you don't. If you had a dysfunctional childhood or a nasty divorce don't keep those things away from your partner. If you were molested as a child or had some other terrible experience as a child you have got to let the other person know about it.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.