Listening to Advice: Yeah-But Syndrome

So you’ve just ended a phone conversation where you were looking for some concrete help, and now you feel frustrated!

Thinking back on it, you realize that “yeah but” was repeated (by you) at least three times. You want advice, yet the conversation took turns that didn’t feel satisfying.

When we listen, and what wells up and out is “yeah, but” this may signify a warning that some boundary is being impinged upon. That though, may not be bad. Here is a short list of warnings that may indicate stop or move ahead:

1. Yeah but, may be our polite way of listening, and then politely voicing, “thank you, but no thank you.”

2. Yeah but, may indicate a shame response, ‘feeling made wrong.’ Do you find that you are accustomed to people, for whatever reasons, not understanding your drive or motive? Instead of being supportive and trying to work through your ideas or goals, the conversation veers in a direction that leaves you feeling misunderstood and devalued.

3. The advice may be shadowed by past, complicated relationships or may cover hidden, toxic communication.

4. Or, you may be experiencing uncomfortableness in the face of stretching your boundaries. Boundaries that actually need to be stretched. How many times have you missed opportunities, by dismissing others too quickly?

We take the chance for growth when we consider opinions different then our own, whether we take action or not. If this is someone whose opinion you value, knows you well or has some experience in the direction you want to go – pause and consider. Even if it feels distasteful at first. Especially if it feels distasteful at first. Often the same thing that motivates us to change, to leave a particular situation, to not feel “that way” anymore, is what keeps us stuck. It’s human nature to stick with what is familiar.

I had an experience like this - paying out money for someone’s opinion, after which I immediately discounted it. “Boy their off,” I thought, “that is not for me I gloated. They don’t get my idea” was my immediate take-away. “They are probably reflecting more on their personal experience than mine,” was my defense.

And while any of these reflections may have held a kernel of truth, none of it was the point. Because what was also true, and actually so much more important, was that when I put my ego and feelings aside, and examined the threads of advice imparted to me, I did find a kernel in the corn. I did.

Once I swallowed my pride, and accepted the extra work it would take to make this 360 degree turn; the very information that I thought was so wrong for me, turned out to be promising. It began a whole journey that would not have been taken if I had not paused and reflected.

The younger sibling and often internal bully to the "yeah, but syndrome" is RESISTANCE - this can have so many voices and names. Resistance is a subject that calls for its own article, but for now I’ll just say – examining your resistance when you receive information that causes a strong reaction can bear fruit. If you choose, write it out and begin to disclose, at least to yourself to start.

FINAL THOUUGHTS

Finally, ask yourself - what is the biggest contribution you can offer to yourself by fully examining the suggestions. Before you say “yeah, but” and drop the conversation, here is the checklist I used that was helpful when I pushed through my "yeah,but" to success: consider the source, consider your growth potential, and consider what stretching to the edge means for you.