Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Would A Mother-Enmeshed Man Find It Hard To Assert Himself?

After a man has become aware of the fact that he is overly focused on his mother and is ignoring his own life, he may also find that he doesn’t have a strong need to do anything about it. If he is single, then, he will continue to suffer, and, if he is in a relationship, his partner will also suffer.

But, with that aside, he could wonder why he doesn’t feel a strong need to change his life. He can find that a big part of him is happy to carry on as normal, even though this isn’t truly serving him.

The Same Story

However, he could also see that he seldom stands up for himself and allows other people to walk over him. If so, not having a strong need to change his life is not exactly going to be a surprise.

As, if he finds it hard to stand his ground, it is to be expected that he would find it hard to direct his life. Asserting himself will take energy while changing the direction of his life will take even more.

An Analogy

Taking this into account, he is going to be like a car that doesn’t have an engine. He will lack the oomph that he needs to go from where he is to where he wants to be.

At this point, he could feel pretty helpless and hopeless and question if his life will ever change. The outcome of this is that he could feel low and even think about calling it a day.

A Bad Way

What is likely to play a part in this is that he could have a very negative inner voice. Due to how normal and strong this voice is, he could generally believe that what it says is the truth.

In reality, this voice is likely to largely be the result of how he was spoken to during his formative years; nothing more, nothing less. Thus, it is not a voice that represents the truth.

Stepping Back

Now, when it comes to his inability to get himself moving, it is likely to show that he doesn’t have a strong connection with his aggression. Another part of this is that he is unlikely to have a strong connection with his needs and feelings.

Instead of being firmly rooted in his body, then, he will live on the surface of himself. For him to be in his power and feel alive, he will need to inhabit his body as opposed to living in his head.

Another Angle

Along with this, it can show that his system is in a frozen state, which is why he finds it hard to assert himself and direct his own life. He will then look free from the outside but he won’t feel free on the inside.
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Being in this state - something that is often called ‘functional freeze’ - will show that, at one time or another, he felt competently overwhelmed. To handle what was going on and ensure his survival, his system would have gradually and automatically gone into shut down, collapsed, frozen and disconnected state.

What's going on?

After becoming aware of this, he could start to wonder why he is this way and is not firmly rooted in his body. This is likely to be a consequence of what he experienced during his formative years.

So, as he is focused on his mother, he is likely to have had to focus on her when he was a boy. This would have meant that he missed out on what he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

A Brutal Time

At this stage of his life, he needed an attuned mother who was generally able to meet his needs. But, as his mother was likely to have been consumed by her own needs, for whatever reason, she wasn’t able to be there for him.

As a result, he would have been forced to adapt to her, with him behaving more like her parent than her son. He would have soon learnt that certain needs wouldn’t be met and if he expressed them, he would suffer even more.

Two Parts

If he did express them, he might have been criticised, ignored, rejected and/or left. Losing touch with certain needs and being focused on his mother’s needs was then a way for him to survive and an indirect way for him to try to meet his own needs.

Furthermore, if he didn’t do what his mother wanted, his father might have soon verbally and/or physically harmed him. Ultimately, it wasn’t safe for him to be connected to and express himself, and this is why he had to disconnect from himself and be who his mother and perhaps his father wanted him to be.

A Natural Outcome

His inability to stand his ground and lead himself is then not a sign that there is something inherently wrong with him; it is a sign that he is in an underdeveloped and traumatised state. What is going on for him will be holding him back but it will be what kept him alive all those years ago.

To move forward, he is going to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.