The Appraiser

The Appraiser

How I got to where I am I don't know. But it's lonely at the bottom. Shit, very lonely. How I ended up in this mess will always be left for scrutiny. But regardless of what has happened or what will happen one thing is for certain. My fire still burns. The burning desire that engulfs me is real with determination. I've been down before and always rose back to top. But let's go back and just see how I ended up on the other side of the fence. What mistakes lead me to be unable to support my family, unable to end this slide, and unable to get a hard dick.

The universe really does work in a definite way. The universe cannot be tricked or fooled. In other words, you have to be in a positive state in order to generate positive results. When the negative steps in everything eventually falls apart. The negative can be like a constant odor that lingers with its nasty smell. The negative can crush the greatest of men. But I guess my faith is what separates me from others who have fallen on hard times. No matter what obstacles I face I'm 100% convinced that they will be overcome. I will soar like a Bald Eagle. My destiny will not be denied.

But damn, to be in this funky situation is demoralizing. I mean I wish I could find somewhere to run and hide. I'm actually ashamed of what I've done and how this has turned out. But I keep it inside. I keep things to myself. The guilt and the shame have scared me for life. But scares are really just earned beauty marks. Scares give you character and emotion. Scares will prevent you from making the same mistake twice. Scares are the ultimate teacher. I carry a deep scare. I have a scare that has been shared with no one except the participating party's. I have a scare that has come to light an inferno inside me. I didn't want or need this scare but it's one I'll shoulder until the day I die.

So what keeps a man going who has had it all lost it all and then again had it all and lost it all. I guess the knowledge and wisdom to know that I can have it all again. But this time there will be no losing it all. No sir, I will earn and this time keep my fortune. I no longer need the drugs, the women, and the attention. I truly understand what a fragile world in which we live. I've come to the realization that the only true unconditional love comes from your children. Your wife, your girlfriend, your sister, brother, or mother can never really love you unconditionally like the children you'll bring up. So with that in mind, love your kids. Love your children with all your heart and soul. Sure they will also break your heart but the inspiration that a child emits is unmatched. And that's what's upsets me so about my current state of affairs. I feel as though I've let my children down. And that hurts I mean really fuckin hurts.

I shouldn't be in this financial situation or on this emotional roller coaster. But life has a way of saying WAKE UP FOOL! Take back control of your life now. Don't wait another minute and don't think you need someone's help to accomplish what you have to do. DO IT YOUR DAMN SELF and get it over with. No more excuses. No more finger pointing. No more sleeping. Grab the bull by the horns and awake from this nightmare.

But just where and when did this nightmare all begin? What are the circumstances that made me actually neglect my children and become slack in my fatherhood? In my mind I see many where I went wrongs and why did I do that. So it only makes since to start from the beginning of this New York journey. Yeah, we'll start from when I took my first steps off the airplane at LaGuardia International and trace those steps to where I am today. And I can honestly say with all my feelings that I've enjoyed this ride. It doesn't matter that I'm now broke and lonely. I have had the ride of a lifetime and to be frank I don't think I would change a thing.

Chapter One - Hello Bronx