The Funny Side of Spirituality

As Mark Twain said, "Humor is mankind's greatest blessing." As gratitude multiples your blessings, we hope you appreciate the humor in the quotes below. Some of the quotes may seem too negative to be spiritual, but we believe questioning spirituality is a good thing and can be spiritual too.

“I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it.” Voltaire

“When it comes to bullshit...big time, major league bullshit... you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims... religion.” George Carlin

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.” George Carlin

“I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate.” George Carlin

“I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.” George Carlin

“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.” George Carlin

“Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.” George Carlin

“Religion is like a pair of shoes... find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.” George Carlin

“What year did Jesus think it was?” George Carlin

“The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.”
George Carlin

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” George Carlin

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” Mark Twain

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” Mark Twain

“A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.” Mark Twain

“In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination” Mark Twain

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.” Garrison Keillor

“When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.” Peter O'Toole

“Blasphemy: a law to protect an all-powerful, supernatural deity from getting its feelings hurt.” Ricky Gervais

“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me ... that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.” Butch Hancock

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” Emo Philips

“Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.” Joan Rivers

Copyright © Stephen Petullo, Scott Petullo