Too Little Too Late?

As we approach the topic of both family and personal healing, many internal voices may want to have their say, some of them helpful, other voices not so helpful.

For example one voice may be saying ‘it cannot continue like this, something has to change’ another voice may be saying ‘all I want to do it to feel good, so why dredge these things up?. One of the most difficult challenges is facing an issue where we will undoubtedly feel that old wound again, and for the most part, we like to avoid that. However, where feelings are frozen or held tightly in place is exactly where our life will be frozen and not moving, or perhaps, be repeating the same old patterns over and over and over again.

Whilst it is true that one of the outcomes or objectives is to once again feel the natural flow of love within a relationship or within an extended family, in this process, the feelings that are stuck are met and dissolved. These can be feelings of shame, anger, rage, deep grief, a sense of loss, indignation – the list goes on. However, it is only through encounter that the walls of defence can be dissolved so that love can flow once more.

It is also important to become aware of those voices that say things like ‘it’s not allowed to have those feelings’ or ‘you should be ashamed of yourself for feeling like that!’. These voices are the voices of external authority that we have taken on as our own and they seek only to keep us in the same place – the real purpose of which is to protect us from feeling our wounds at all costs.

As we disentangle from the sometimes complex entanglements within a family system or the entanglements that get in the way of having intimate relationships that flow, we can encounter and release the nagging voices, encounter the fear and shame, and let go into a greater flow of natural love.

One of the most difficult aspects of Family Constellation work can be to allow love to flow when there is a general feeling of ‘too little too late’. This can be especially true if the parents are no longer with us, are very elderly or sick. So how do we overcome this feeling? First of all, healing is always about the self. Just as forgiveness is designed to release ourselves from bondage, allowing love to flow is also about allowing that which is natural to flow through us.

When we hold onto the old, nothing new can flow to us, as we release and accept what is, the flood gates can open, sometimes beginning as a trickle. So if it feels like ‘too little, too late’ the challenge is to open ourselves to what is present for in every human being, no matter their character, there is the level of the soul where love resides in its natural state, unhindered and unshackled by their own wounds. In essence, when the pain of keeping things as they are becomes greater than the possible pain of facing our wounds, we are ready to allow the need to be right become secondary to our desire for inner peace.