What is Trust Made of?

What is Trust Made of?

What is Trust? How does someone earn your trust? What happens once it’s broken? Do you trust yourself?

There are many definitions for the word trust but to me it means that, “I can have faith that you will do what you say you will do, when you say you are doing it. My heart, my feelings and my secrets are safe with you.” When I trust someone, whether it be a friend or lover I am opening myself to you, to be vulnerable because I believe the things you are telling me and the character you are presenting to me are the truth.

Trust isn’t built overnight. Trust is built by the doing of small things, seemingly insignificant, over time. If you ask your friend if they want to go out and they tell you they are sick in bed and they really are sick in bed, that’s a point for the trust jar. If you ran into that same friend having dinner, well strike one. Here, I would like to interject the idea of honesty. If you don’t want to go out with your friend, tell them the truth. HONESTY DOES NOT BREAK TRUST- LIES DO. With each brick of truth you lay, you are also building a firm foundation for friendship and/or love relationships. Each secret of truth that you hold sacred, every small act of kindness and every-time you can be counted on are the bricks that trust is built on.

Reliability- you do what you say you will do, over and over again. Consistency is key. People are counting on you. Think about your computer, your car, your cellphone. You expect those things to work properly, right? Because time after time, when you need them to work, they do. These things turn on when you press the button, you can make calls and drive any where you want. You rely on these things because they have proven themselves, in a manner of speaking. I know what you’re thinking. “They don’t work all the time, damn computer!” Think about how you feel when your car doesn’t start. You are pissed, right? Why didn’t it give you a sign it wasn’t going to start? Did it and you just didn’t pay attention? No one is perfect all the time. We are human after all but if someone is not reliable, can you trust them?

Accountability- Do you take responsibility for your actions or do you blame and make excuses? Do you own your decisions and energy? Again, this is a great place to bring up honesty. We all fail, fall short of our own expectations and the expectations of others. It’s not the falling that defines us, it’s how we rise up. There is nothing worse than a lie to cover up a lie. “I’m sorry, I forgot to pick up the kids from school today, I was focused on my meeting or I’m sorry I said I was sick, I just wanted to go out with that hot guy or girl and I didn’t want you to be upset.” Most of the time we lie because we think the lie will be easy for the person to hear than the truth. It is not our responsibility for how a person reacts to the truth but it is our responsibility to tell it. People can get mad at you for the truth but they can’t say you’re untrustworthy or a liar.

Integrity- “Courage over Comfort”- Brene Brown. This goes hand in hand with accountability. If you don’t know what you stand for and who you are you will not have integrity. Integrity is about you standing for your thoughts, feeling and opinions even when it’s not comfortable to voice them. Do you stand up for what you believe to be right? I’m not talking about a dogmatic, over zealous, righteous attitude but a strong desire to show love and honor in all situations, to be the person you are at your soul level.

Vault- Do you lock our secrets in a vault? When I tell you something, do you run to another friend and talk about it? Will you spill the beans if you think it’s in my best interest? When you trust, your secrets are put in the vault. These are soul discussions that have been entrusted for safe keeping. There is a vulnerability that must exist for trust to exist. Do you use something a friend tells you to jump start another friendship that may be dwindling? If you, or someone else gossips and tells the secrets of others you know they will do it to you. This means the person who does this is UNTRUSTWORTY. You must be careful. The worst betrayals come from lovers who separate. This intimate connection creates many vault secrets, discussions, dreams, goals and fears. An ex-lover should never divulge secrets of a previous relationship. If he/she does it is a great indicator that you should not trust them with details you want to keep private. It is also a sign that they may not be mature enough to be in a relationship.

Sacred Space- Some of you may not be familiar with this term. It means holding space for someone or something at the highest level of love and light. Do you practice being generous? Forgiving? Non-Judging? I think this is hard for many of us because we live in a time when it feels like people are out to get you. When you practice the above mentioned things you will shift your energy from a negative perspective to a positive one. Here is an example.

Let’s say that you ask a friend to help you do something that is very important. He agrees but when the time comes he totally flakes and leaves you scrambling around, angry and frustrated. Yes, you have a reason to be upset. His lack of follow through created a burden for you that you were unprepared for. However, when you trust>> Will you assume that there must be a very good reason that this happened. Will you jump to a worst case scenario or will you hold space until you ask what happened? Will you be forgiving? Can I fail with you as my friend or lover or will? Can I fall apart with you and still feel safe?

Boundaries- You can’t trust anyone until you trust yourself. To trust yourself you must know what things make you tick. What things are deal breakers, what things you are flexible with? In any relationship, this is a very important conversation to have early on. Ok, Ok, I’ll tell you why. If you have a deal breaker boundary. No matter what it is, the partner will need to be in alignment with it. This applies to you as well. For any relationship to work you must be on the same page. Of course, there are boundaries you may have that are flexible and I’m sure there will be things that may become boundaries that you never thought of. All of this is part of growing a relationship and growing trust, communication is key. Most of the time we don’t value ourselves enough to let the other person know how to treat us. It all starts with you. I’m not talking about a list of things your partner or friend can’t do because you will get angry. I’m referring to those things that go against what you stand for at your heart level. Believe me, they are different for everyone and every couple, and yes couples should have boundaries and adjust them as needed. Boundaries help define who you are, what you stand for and what you allow to be present in your life. YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU- IF YOU DON’T KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES NEITHER WILL THEY!

I want to share a recent personal experience with you. One of my close friends had someone in her life whom she cared about deeply. Her partner destroyed their trust by lying about the smallest things, things that were so little there was was no logical reason to lie, although in his mind he did it because he didn’t want her to be upset. I would listen to her and always ask why would he feel the need to lie about that? Maybe there was an underlying issue. She was understanding and forgiving and tried to enlighten and guide but to no avail. Long story short she didn’t stand by her boundaries. Lying was a deal breaker boundary for her and her partner was unable and/or unwilling to honor that. She was now mad at herself and the person. She had also taught him how to treat her and that she was willing to tolerate less than. When she finally stood up and ended the relationship her partner was very confused because they had had this pattern of behavior for many months. If there is no trust, there is no intimate relationships whether friend or lover. Would the relationship have been different if she would have discussed this boundary in the beginning?

At the end of the day, each one of us is responsible for our actions and how we respond to others. The most important thing to remember is YOU MATTER. If there are people in your life who consistently give you less than you give them, why are they there? You may need to do some self- discovery as to why you are allowing this behavior.

Can you regain Trust after it is gone?

Yes, you can! It is not easy and the degree of difficulty is determined by what happened to break the trust. To restore trust you have to do the same things you did to gain the trust in the first place

Be Reliable
Be Accountable
Have Integrity
Keep the Vault Closed
Hold Sacred Space
Set and Keep Your Boundaries