Are You Freaking Kidding Me???

Being a student of metaphysics for more than 25 years now, I’m a firm believer that we create our own experiences and reality. I’m incredibly optimistic and resilient, always expecting “things” to improve.

The past two years have not been easy. The recent state of the economy and my own experience of loss in addition to reaching my 40’s provided a less than pleasant opportunity to evaluate my youthful dreams and desires and what had become at the time my current state of affairs. It was difficult to observe the glaring contrast that was reflected.

For 20 some years my intent was to create my greatest desires. I believe deeply in the power of the mind and that what we desire God desires for us. But my life did not at all reflect what I “thought” I had been creating. In my darkest of moments I thought that God had forsaken me and that the Universe was playing a cruel joke on me. My mental response as I looked over my current state of affairs was “Are you freaking kidding me?”

For instance, I desperately (perhaps desperately is a key word here) wanted to marry the love of my life, have children, share grandchildren and happily grow older together. You know, one man, many children (so I would have lots of grandchildren)…Simple.

Instead I created multiple marriages and multiple divorces and now what appears to be no chance of the “ideal” family I had always wanted. It begged the question…

“Are you freaking kidding me?”

And…

I have believed in that “soul-mate” or “twin-flame” relationship, the kind that you experience a “soul connection” and it just feels like you were “made for each other”. I believed whole-heartedly that it would be available to me when I was healthy enough to receive that kind of “higher” love.

But what I created (or attracted), was vastly different. I thought I met him only to painfully realize that he was mentally and emotionally ill and not even close to being capable of a healthy relationship. Talk about heart break! Which begged the question…

“Are you freaking kidding me?

I have several “Are you freaking kidding me experiences and moments that I can now see the gifts and humor in, some trivial, but funny and others profoundly ironic and the greatest sources of growth. I will write in detail of these experiences in the coming weeks and together we can laugh. But my point for now is for you to understand that your conscious desires are always trumped by what you subconsciously believe to be true of you. Although I consciously knew what I wanted I created what I internally or subconsciously believed myself worthy of. (You may want to read that sentence again).

I know that my journey has created the woman I am (and I happen to like that woman). I found myself at a crossroads. I could judge my journey as a failure and blame myself and live my life in guilt, shame and self-blame. Instead I chose radical self-forgiveness and I decided to love myself despite the crap I had created! I don’t apologize for my past, nor do I apologize for my presence, instead I celebrate ME!

I have begun again…now wiser and much more confident!

I invite you to join me in celebrating the woman you have become and love yourself despite the crap!

Your Sister in Self Love,
Michelle

PS. I also discovered how my greatest attributes of optimism and resilience became my greatest weaknesses. Stay tuned…